Van Pan | The Dirty Underbelly of Mommy Blogger Culture - A Glimpse Inside Their Nasty Minivans.

Van Prediction

By VanPan Dad | April 13, 2009

I predict that Elizabeth will take it upon herself and clean the van sometime this week.

How can I be so sure? We’re going on a little road trip this weekend - headed to Nashville to see her parents. After hello, the first question will almost certainly be “how’d the car do?”

The timing isn’t good, to tell the truth. There is an overly-ripe banana that a certain third-row passenger appears to have been saving up. It’s black, soft and a little bloated - I give it two days tops before it pops on its own and seeps out into the passenger-side cargo feature. I was somewhat hoping to take a picture of that.

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We Bought it Brand New… It Was Beautiful and Perfect in Every Way.

By VanPan Dad | March 28, 2009

Helene is a stay-at-home mom to two sets of twins. She submitted some amazing photographs of her rockin’ 2005 Toyota Sienna. The interior is a striking tone-on-tone combination of blackish carpet stains and gray Corinthian leather. You can almost tell from the pictures what this van might smell like. Enjoy…

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Nothing beats trampling over a sibling’s cast off outfit with a mud- or poo-covered shoe.

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If boiled, this carpet might yield a luxurious tea. A medley of crunchy snacks would make a nice complement…

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A delicious raisin has drifted up onto this door pillar. In our van, someone would have smashed it down into the carpet - or eaten it - or fed it to a sibling…

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When submitting these pictures, Helene had this to say:

Elizabeth suggested I take pics of my disgusting mini-van and send them here! It’s not as bad as it usually is, probably because my husband just took the van for gas a few days ago and threw out some of the trash. But maybe that’s the sad part is that it only took maybe 2-3 days to accumulate the mess you’ll see in these pics!

We have a 2005 Toyota Sienna. We bought it brand new. It was beautiful and perfect in every way. We bought it when our first set of twins were only 8 weeks old. And it all went downhill from there. Then our 2nd set of twins were born and our poor mini-van hasn’t seen a clean day since. Now our older twins are 4 and the younger twins are 1…we have 4 carseats in our van. They eat snacks in there and simply throw their trash on the floor, they leave jackets and other pieces of clothes in there, they bring toys from inside the house. And instead of picking up any food that may be laying on the floor of the van, they simply step over it or mush it in further to the carpet.

Downhill, indeed.

Please join me in welcoming Helene as the latest Van Pan Fan!

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How to Clean a Minivan

By VanPan Dad | November 28, 2008

It has crossed my mind before that our family is giving others hope through the nastiness of our minivan. My wife and kids decided to “let the van go” and, in so doing, have selflessly allowed their minivan filth to emerge here as healing, cathartic web content.

This is the only explanation I can imagine for why a fairly responsible and otherwise clean group of people would elect to neglect and destroy a perfectly good 2005 Chrysler Town and County minivan.

You might imagine that I am regularly approached for tips and suggestions on how to clean the inside of a minivan. Although, I’m dealing with a minivan, there is no reason these practical suggestions wouldn’t equally apply to a car or truck.

When preparing to clean, the first step is to evaluate the battlefield. All you’re really doing at this step is estimating the trash-to-keep ratio. Like a lot of things, if you get sucked into the detail of trying to understand or explain each item, you will only frustrate yourself and help fund big pharma. Now that you’ve figured out that most everything is trash, you’re ready to move forward - confident that even if you do a poor job, your labor will represent a big improvement.

These pictures likely represent a worst-case scenario. Hopefully your van is tidier.

You may find fragments of dried fruit, meat or cheese…

Yes, the butterscotch-looking mozzarella cheese is a little weird.

You may find something totally unexpected - like this $15 raisin-flecked Six Flags poncho.

Now that you’ve made your visual inspection, you need to painstakingly throw (most) everything away. Remember the items we thought we might keep? These are headed to a van pan (a storage box used to gather up the semi-precious trash which we will lovingly present for “someone else to deal with” later).

A decent shop-vac and some semi-skilled labor come in handy.

If done correctly, your children may ask what happened to the old van…

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Van Pan 2.0

By VanPan Dad | November 20, 2008

Note: Regular readers will note that this post marks a departure from the narrow niche that vanpan.com has historically dominated. With the unwinding of the US auto industry, the timing is right to expand the breadth of the site to address other vital, non-automotive topics.

I came home to find this interesting mixed media piece on the kitchen table:

It reminded me of the figurative maps that Charles Joseph Minard published in France in the mid-nineteenth century (especially the planning work he prepared in 1845 for the Dijon to Mulhouse railway project). See if you agree.

It is unfortunate that Play-Doh was not available to the talented Mr. Minard.

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HelloKittieMama: Preparing a 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan for the Funeral Pyre

By VanPan Dad | October 17, 2008

Like an aging French actress fading into oblivion, so it is as this faithful Grand Caravan that has seen more action than Omaha Beach makes way for the new Kia Sedona that will be taking its place…

In submitting her Van Pan Fan pics, HelloKittieMama (from The Bon Bon Gazette) had this to say:

“I’m almost embarrassed to send these.. but I know you understand completely!!!! I’m getting rid of my 2000 dodge grand caravan and my dad is getting me a new Kia Sedona fully loaded!!!! If they are too gross or too boring I understand LOL!”

I spent some time thinking about the range that her note implied: too gross or too boring. I had never juxtaposed these two terms, so taking a moment to depict it was helpful.

Have a look for yourself (this is the part of the show where we caution parents to avert the eyes of any young ones that might be lingering around at this late hour and shouldn’t be exposed to what is about to follow). I believe you will agree with me that HelloKittieMama not only deserves to be a Van Pan Fan, she also deserves a new van!

Honestly, it doesn’t start out too badly. This picture provides some context. Not too bad, really.

Interior of HelloKittieMama's 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan - lots of car seats...

The Grand Caravan has decent legroom - unless you load it up with a lot of junk that your kids have to crawl over…

At this point, you may be thinking something like, “sure, there are a few things on the floor, but not really any trash. “ I was thinking the same thing; be patient.

In this next shot, we see that HKM has taken the already state-of-the-art Dodge/Chrysler electronics package to the next level with this slick custom job.

Injered in an electrical fire? Call Christos!

Injured in an electrical fire inside a Dodge Grand Caravan? Call Christos!

Regarding the following photograph, HelloKittieMama had this to say: “Once I got the basket emptied I found lots of wires, change… I see a Gerber puff there fossilized. My daughter is 3.5 years old and hasn’t eaten those since she was under a year!”

HelloKittieMama has titled these next shots M&Ms and Corn! and Fossils Up Close.

Regarding M&Ms and Corn, she says “I see a corn kernel from LAST YEAR’s Trip to the pumpkin farm and corn maze. We haven’t gone yet for this year. Also, that is a blue M&M.”

Note how, over a long period of time, these little piles of party-colored-food dust have formed little drifts.

As is the case with most minivans, the 3rd row cup holder is where most of the action is. This theorem is not disproved by HelloKittieMama’s Grand Caravan…

HKM had this to say, “3rd row Cupholders. YUCK. Ok, I can see where a coin was stuck to the one cupholder. The blob is a gumball. My kids don’t know how to chew gum but they like the big gumball machines that you stick a quarter in and the gumball drops around and around a big ramp. The gumball has bubbles on it from the heat……”

I am intrigued by the comment “The gumball has bubbles on it from the heat……”. I’ve seen a lot of things, but I have never experienced heat be so intense as to sear the candy coating off of a gumball and cause the gum to bubble. HelloKittieMama must either live on Mercury or in an autoclave. Here we see another good example of the top notch design skills of the (Dodge) Chrysler Design Team. The rectangular storage compartment looks Chrysler Clean to me.

Fortunately, HelloKittieMama has provided a close up shot that captures both the sun-baked deliciousness of the gumball and the (flaking?) brown gunk.

And she was thinking we might find these pictures too gross or too boring - more like exactly right.

Please join me in welcoming HelloKittieMama as an official Van Pan Fan!

Farewell, 2000 Dodge Caravan!

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2005 Chrysler Petri Dish

By VanPan Dad | September 18, 2008

As a child, I was always told that public places and objects were filthy - bathrooms, cabs, doors to restaurants, handrails, money, etc. A good follow-up question that might have better prepared me for my wife’s absolute disregard for how clean she keeps her minivan might have been, “Filthy relative to what?”

It has been noted many times here that fruit (bananas in particular) plays a large part in how Elizabeth uses the minivan. Fruit is tasty, travels fairly well and comes in its own wrapper. What’s not to like?

Well, for starters, I don’t like old fruit that has found its way into some Chrysler Crevice and become a pectin goo.

Take these two berries that made their way into the ashtray insert between the two front-seat cupholders. The geniuses at Chrysler’s design team had the foresight to make smoking an option (part number 0RS79BD5AA - ashtray smokers kit - gray); the geniuses in our family use the space as a petri dish.

I should confess that I had to remove a box of earplugs that have been riding in this space all summer and were hiding these beauties. There is some debate over what exactly these are. They could be cherries or crabapples - not sure which - in all honesty, does it really matter?

You will be glad to know that I replaced the box of earplugs after this photograph was taken in hopes of revisiting the cherriecrabapplesomething berries. Elizabeth may move them (riiighhtt…), but I would imagine that she would be learning about them for the first time if she happens to ever read this.

What I have shared with you so far is tame compared to what you are about to see. Seriously - by orders of magnitude.

Although prior stories have regularly included bananas (here and here), vanpan readers will be interested to learn that I am setting the nasty bar even higher. Benign shots like these offcast banana peels won’t make the cut in the future. I am certain that once you see what follows, you will also insist on something a little edgier going forward. Enjoy…

Until the technology exists, there unfortunately isn’t a way for you to smell this bad boy. To orient yourself, this deal went down right here:

Check out the syrupy ooze seeping onto the floor. I couldn’t help but flip it over to reveal this:

What was I thinking…

You’d only get this here. Vanpan.com - not just a website; a cry for help.

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Can’t You Smell That Smell…

By VanPan Dad | August 25, 2008

No whiskey bottles or brand new cars here. Just a nasty section of carpet that smells so bad that it can drop a grown man from 30 yards.

This is the way it really is, people - no ropes, mirrors, pulleys or tricks here. I just hope the brightly-colored candy-looking things didn’t end up in a mouth.

This is pretty much the kind of nastiness that vanpan readers have come to expect.

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Mrsbear Becomes Latest Van Pan Fan! Check Out This Mess of an Odyssey…

By VanPan Dad | August 18, 2008

Mrsbear from Outnumbered Two to One has gained acceptance into the prestigious Van Pan Fan program!

The three fantastic pics she submitted really speak for themselves. My wife, Elizabeth from Three Channels, had this to say after glimpsing them for the first time, “It looks so familiar - I would think it was my van except the outside of the cupholder was a little too clean.” Mrsbear has raised the bar in a big way with this entry!

(ADD Moment: Even though the Van Pan Fan program is still in its infancy, it has experienced triple-digit-growth over the past week alone. Amazing.)

Enjoy these nice shots - you can almost smell the cupholder. Mrsbear’s own comments follow:

“We’re a family of six, four kids packed into the back of our 2002 Honda Odyssey where there are always snacks and drinks being handled and mishandled. I was vacuuming the van out today (which I do…every six months or so) and thought I’d send the before shots your way.

For the most part the family vehicle is a cluttered stinky mess, although it’s achieved nowhere near the status of your Town and Country. We keep a tiny square garbage satchel hooked to the back of the passenger seat, but it routinely overflows so that the children resort to using the cupholders as trash receptacles. There’s never an available cupholder when you need one. Since we have a portable DVD player, there are always movies strewn under the seats, the discs inside never matching the title on the box. I also discovered a single goldfish cracker and a shriveled french fry looking forlorn beneath the center console. I put them out of their misery, but I hope you can help their legacy live on.”

- Mrsbear

Thank you Mrsbear, and congratulations! It’s a good thing you documented your van funk before cleaning it out for the school year!

3 Comments

We Have a Winner! Andrew Bowman Becomes First Official “Van Pan Fan”!

By VanPan Dad | August 13, 2008

Today marks another important and historic milestone for vanpan.com — subscriber and commenter Andrew Bowman has become the very first Van Pan Fan.

Andrew was uneasy as to whether or not he would meet the tough entry criteria because, as he said, “my wife’s car is really clean.”

Here is the shot that Andrew submitted. His comments follow:

“Our car isn’t particularly messy, but I’m often surprised at what I find in the car. Today it was fluorescent pink Play-Doh.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? A Winged Nike of Samothrace made of food scraps? Albrecht Durer’s Seven Sorrows of the Virgin done in crayon and construction paper? Probably not. Most likely a handful of partially pulverized whole wheat goldfish.”

- Andrew Bowman

[Note to future Van Pan Fan wannabes: You're going to have to top this. Andrew hasn't exactly set a very high bar here with this one. Some play-doh shrapnel and a solitary pinestraw needle are a little tame compared to the squalor that I know readers are accustomed to. His picture makes me want to ride in his car and spill something. Or, for greater damage, see if he could give any one of my three kids a ride someplace.]

Check out Andrew’s unusual web site: andrewbowman.com (it’s the only one like it!).

Congratulations, again, to Andrew for this amazing achievement. I will have to come up with a sticker or something to send him so he can plaster it on his wife’s vehicle and do a little marketing for me. (In this business you have to always be thinking - always staying one step ahead of the competition.)

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Press Release: Vanpan.com Shatters Initial SEO Goal for Term “Crappy Chrysler”

By VanPan Dad | August 12, 2008

***** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE *****

August 12, 2008 - Vanpan.com, a website with a singular purpose of documenting the filth that the wife of vanpan.com’s operator and their three small kids have brought upon a 2005 Chrysler Town and Country Limited, has reached an SEO milestone today, having become Google’s 22nd highest returned result for a search of the term “crappy Chrylser”.

When met with this success, Dad from vanpan.com had this to say: “This is too much - really. I just feel like I’m riding some wave of the obvious. ‘Crappy’ and ‘Chrysler’ were already the automotive industry’s ‘burger and fries’ or ‘Captain and Tenille’ long before I got here. I have very little to do with the success that vanpan has enjoyed. You take either the Chrysler design team or my wife and kids out of this picture and this site’s got nothing. Nothing.”

He continued, “Sure, we’re working from a big picture here. We obviously reached this milestone much earlier than anticipated, but am I surprised? No.”

“We’ll announce some new, more aggressive goals, but in the meantime, suffice it to say that it’s exciting to be part of something so big - so successful.”

“A lot of people approach me who want to be part of the vanpan story. I try to point them to the Van Pan Fans offering, which I think you’d have to agree is a fantastic way to not only participate, but to also add value.”

“Today, I just want to celebrate how far we’ve come with the “crappy Chrysler” search term. We could do some other things - take “crappy penetration” - we’re a top-5 search result there, and I think that surprises a lot of people…”

“… but that isn’t a direction I feel we need to take the brand at the moment.”

“We can’t let the excitement of today’s story be a distraction. We’re going to have some fun with it for now, but tomorrow we’ll be right back where we like to be - hammering away at the aggressive and important targets we’ve set. Ultimately, it’s about focus, ideas and energy. And in our case, some filth.”

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